i will… communicate

(this is a long one… bear with it… or me… as you might see!)

i am looking towards deep practice and failings and entertainment around my ways of communicating.

for the sake of this life, “i” must soften and be gentle in whole-hearted wei-wu-way – with the li’l broken bits of heart sewn back together breath by breath.

the problem with “me” (HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA!) is that wei-wu-wei is not perceived as a paradox. it all is. is all. that is it. aaaahhhhhhhhhhh. and there ze tumbles down the rabbit hole of gwhemkhibniopht. exactly.

(…there isn’t even a pronoun for this dis-identified non-gendered non-thingy-ness. ***peels of laughter again*** never mind the ze and hir (sounds like zee and heer). that never went over too well for my near and dears. if you care to know, and think that we are separate – ehem –  i prefer for you to mix up the she and he and his and her when referring to me. some have found it helpful to lean into the male pronouns for a bit to get used to the mix… best of luck. and mucho love and thanx!)

well, now. that was a bit of little i identifying and perhaps it could even be read and comprehended?! do let me know!

there is a merciless struggle in the me, due to the inherent conundrum of a seeming self and other. the endurance here is of wild pain around the appearance of duality within the experience of not-that… or…

it is terribly easy to sit is silence. “i” really really may be cut out for that 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days. of course, the nature of the inexcusably independent solo self type thing here (due curfuffles of laughter again***) would have to have a self designed retreat… who knows where… that’ll be another post- as i have given it a lot of thought…  

this week’s meditation class involved the practice of insight dialogue. with an odd number of attendees, i was partnered with the instructor – a true jewel in the lotus of heartful ways of being and teaching. when it was my time to speak, i tended toward silence. the sound of George Wood as Dr. Harley in Harold and Maude was drawlingly rumbling through my mind, “this reluctance on your part is detrimental to the [insight dialogue] process…”.

“i” spoke to the problem being that to utter sound creates duality. boom. there. a speaker and a listener. (“in the beginning…” you remember that one. 🙂 )

(now, hear ye, i do function fairly in a working life and do not meddle with this wild struggle overtly – though  most people can kinda see it or hear it i’d suppose in the ways that i wei-wu-wei. 😉 )

my teacher (again – as if there is a teacher to be had… ughgkk.) shared a quote from a teacher she studies… something like, ‘if you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities. [pause] i won’t. but you will. it seemed we both could have rolled over with laughter. i enjoy such moments guffawing at manifest phenomenon and it’s ways of thinking through us thusly, with particular friends who share a similar wei-wu-wei.

(see! to communicate about anything is defeated… the words there imply separate friends and thoughts and such thingies to be shared or something! the. tao. can. not. be. named. ahheehee that’s a fun one rolling in on itself.)

anywho- it turned not so funny for me. just because – it’s one “me” having cavities in this mouth and healthy teeth in that mouth.

“i” take “myself” waaaayy to seriously.

ok.

here goes…

no more italics or quotes around me, myself and i!

a crack in my clinging to nonduality has occurred. (if that phrase doesn’t make us laugh… ah, but, that’s me discounting myself again- just one more jab- then i’ll stop. promise. suchness clinging to itself! i can just see some jim carrey sketch where he’s trying desperately to rid himself of himself… yeah. like that. hhhhmhmhmh. sigh. settling down.)

so. the “we suffer for our beliefs” wisdom. and how beliefs, like values aren’t cultivated. they are uncovered. they are so  true and integral. they reveal themselves more or less articulately as they wish. the core belief in me of advaita is here. and  faucet drip by faucet drip, tantra is being allowed to rise.

if i might say/think/feel/believe that this pen as this cloth as this window as this little-i-self as this friend as this father IS suchness/g_d/whathaveyou… then truly the thinking-in-things and appearance of duality is. it IS. not “it IS also.” just it IS! truth is being, eh?

created this just before a retreat last week wherein the poignancy of duality cracked open!

and, so, in some very recent conversations (yes, i have them 😉 ) the experience happened that my actual talking/sharing and the sharings of the other kept deepening and entwining, evolving and overlapping, creating the experience of expansion and closeness… not separateness.

of course, this sort of thing happens all the life long. from such contact with other, feeling met for and as one’s whole being, we construct our identities and communities… who we surround ourselves with… who we love and let into us. i am no different. i have such cultivated friendships and loves and relations and meetings.

i just aim to practice this awareness more gently with my whole-heart of broken pieces. any feedback or help is ever and ever appreciated and fruitful.

peacepeacepeace~

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5 Responses to “i will… communicate”

  1. tracie Says:

    I love the tooth-brushing quote. And this blog!

  2. ohhh insight dialogue « embodhiment Says:

    […] of non-duality. so to speak. so, to speak. what “i” said i’d “do” on 1.jan.2010. bodymind. bodymine. bodymind. bodymine. this is sticky. the clinging to the experience […]

  3. more « embodhiment Says:

    […] have made in your presence. at least i named my 2010 intention clearly in my first real blog entry: i will… communicate. communicating even in this blog is a wee tiny bit safer than my habit of mindless […]

  4. look, ma! no self « embodhiment Says:

    […] i do disidentify as noted a few entries back and in the beginning. […]

  5. birth-on-earth-day « embodhiment Says:

    […] some good ‘ol wallowy elliott-typical mullings and mental meanderings happening. my birthday is not a favorite day of mine. historically i have had some record wretched days on […]

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