star wars primer?

come on! if the length of this post afears yuh, at least scroll to the vid at the bottom!!! 😉

Star Wars Talk to Your Kids PSA

some of you readers have revealed yourselves as mcsweeneys fans. 😉

so mcsweeneys has some hilarious and offensive fun inside.

earlier this year, i meekly helped perform the blast below as part of a fundraiser for a local theatrical concern. it is a challenge to carry over the schtick of the desperate spitting serious prof acting as if his university would support him with proper modern technology such as a LCD projector. nevermind the utterly inept undergrad slide reel button pusher who had a newsprint paper pad duct taped to a step-ladder instead. (that was me. and the goofy drawings are mine. thought i’d share some levity. “x” marks the moment in which i would flip the chart paper 😉

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prof wearing doctoral cap and gown enters with somber set jowls

pomp and circumstance plays proudly

i stumble behind in necktie and tennis shoes carrying the opened ladder with plackard announcing the lecture taped to it…

ON  THE  IMPLAUSIBILITY  OF

 THE  DEATH  STAR’S

 TRASH  COMPACTOR

BY JOSHUA TYREE

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I maintain that the trash compactor onboard the Death Star in “Star Wars” is [x] implausible, unworkable, and moreover, inefficient.

The Trash Compactor Debate turns on whether the Death Star ejects its trash into space. I, for one, believe it does. Though we never see the Death Star ejecting its trash, we do see another Empire ship [x], the so-called Star Destroyer, ejecting its trash into space. I therefore see no reason to suspect that Empire protocol dictating that trash be ejected into space would not apply equally to all Empire spacecraft, including the Death Star. [x]

The Death Star clearly has a garbage-disposal problem. Given its size and massive personnel, the amount of waste it generates [x] — discarded food, broken equipment, excrement, and the like — boggles the imagination. That said, I just cannot fathom how an organization as ruthless and efficiently-run as the Empire would have signed off on such a dangerous, unsanitary, and shoddy garbage-disposal system as the one depicted in the movie.

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Here are the problems, as I can ascertain them, with the Death Star’s garbage-disposal system:

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1. Ignoring the question of how Princess Leia could possibly know where the trash compactor is, or that the vent she blasts open leads to a good hiding place for the rescue crew, why are there vents leading down there at all? [x] Would not vents leading into any garbage-disposal system allow the fetid smell of rotting garbage, spores, molds, etc., to seep up into the rest of the Death Star? Would not it have been more prudent for the designers of the Death Star to opt for a closed system [x],

like a septic tank?

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2. Why do both walls of the trash compactor move towards each other, rather than employing a one-movable-wall [x] system that would thus rely on the anchored stability, to say nothing of the strength, of the other, non-moving wall, to crush trash more effectively?

[flip back to previous slide. write “3” over “2”.]

3. Why does the trash compactor compact trash so slowly, and with such difficulty, once the resistance of a thin metal rod is introduced? [draw one strong rod.] Surely metal Death Star pieces are one of the main items of trash in need of compacting. It thus stands to reason that the trash compactor should have been better designed to handle the problem of a skinny piece of metal. (And while I hate to be the sort of person who says I told you so, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that a [flip to second slide on walls, and draw a broken rod.] one-movable-wall system would have improved performance.)

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4. Why does the trash compactor only compact trash sideways? Once ejected into space, wouldn’t the flattened, living-room-sized, and extremely solid panes of trash that result from such a primitive, unidirectional trash compactor pose serious hazards for Empire starships in the vicinity?

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5. And what of the creature that lives in the trash compactor? [prof is miffed as the initial ‘slide’ is clearly the wrong one. i fumble for the next slide quick as i can and make the prof livid. …finally finding the snarly creature he wants.]

       

Presumably, the creature survives because the moving walls do not extend all the way to the floor of the room, where the liquid is. After all, if the walls reached the floor, the creature would be killed each time trash is compacted. The design employed on the Death Star must allow the organic trash to filter down to the bottom, where the parasitic worm-creature devours it. But what happens when heavier pieces of non-organic trash fall down there? Would such trash not get wedged under the doors, causing them to malfunction? Do stormtroopers have to confront the creature each time they retrieve pieces of un-compacted trash?

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6. Why not have separate systems for organic and inorganic waste, thus allowing full compaction of the inorganics and a closed sanitary system for the organics? [flipping through these ‘slides’ as prof reads #6.]

  

                          

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7. Why does the Empire care, anyway, about reducing its organic garbage output? Are we to believe that the architects of the Death Star, a group of individuals bent on controlling the entire known universe, are also concerned about environmental issues? [x] Would organic garbage rot in space? So what? Furthermore, why has the Empire gone to the trouble of acquiring a frightening parasitic worm-creature and having it eat all organic trash [x], especially given the aforementioned flaws in the design of the compactor and overall maintenance hassles?

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[prof is not amused.]

8. Personally, were it up to me, I would have designed special garbage ships instead of employing a crude, cumbersome, and inefficient (to say nothing of unsanitary) compactor-worm combo to deal with the trash.

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9. If the Empire insists on ejecting trash into space, why do they bother compacting it? Space is infinite, is it not? [x] In such an environment, it hardly matters what size the trash is. In fact, a persuasive argument can be made that it’s actually better for the trash to take up more space, so that it appears on radar systems as something for Empire ships to avoid. Compacted trash creates smaller chunks of harder trash that would undoubtedly cause serious damage to Empire starships. And needless to say, damage to starships would, in turn, create yet more hassles and headaches for the Empire.

Please understand, gentle reader, I am all for creating hassles and headaches for the Empire. I just doubt that the Empire would have created so many for itself. Q.E.D.

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