gender journey

In so much submersion and subversion in and of the mirage of relative world being ultimately true… to muss the concepts a bit in limiting language… in my graduate studies and with colleagues in contemplative embodiment,,,

I am tasting how a surprising many people lump universalities, purities, basic aliveness, primordial intelligence, truth itself, ultimate perspectives, etc. into some mystery bound cache wherein it can live parallel to the dualistic reality called home/here-now-ness/etc.

What of those of us (all of us I dare say!) who literally relatively walk the non-dual in each breath. In each choice point in a life, knowing we could be bringing on harm by revealing the grey areas more publicly, or knowing we could be self-harming by not fully embodying our true self…

This way-wu-wei of walking in-Space-on-Earth integrates such things as the mundane-seeming issue discussed below, right into discussion of and living of! the ‘Four Denials: monism, dualism, nihilism, and eternalism’ or Awareness-Of-What-Is.

Formal attire is a truly uncomfortable challenging project to solve, as it tends to be so constricting; gendered by the binary. I have a few events in my near future that warrant such monkey-suiting (well, not tuxedo levels of formality, thank whatever you thank!). The body meets clothes – outside of my t-shirt & shorts, or hoodie & cords ‘uni-forms’ (haha) for warmer and colder weather.

Lovely, my moon blood came the morning I was to be aided by a dear friend, in trying-on-throwing-off cloth items, and possibly entering shops for accoutrements to complete a suitable look. Nothing like swollen boobs when trying to stuff self into some gender curious presentation of cloth on skin.

That image – of rumpled clothes and shiny metal parts to things and shoes strewn across a bedroom floor – that’s not familiar to me. I don’t tend to wonder what to wear. There is a fair measure of discomfort in garbing the bod everyday, I have habituated to it, and do not work in any environments where I must look very clean-cut or dressed up.

I work in an early school where the gender identity conversation is non with the youth (being examined all the time and hopefully supported and voiced more and more each season…).

I also work in adult movement therapy/yoga teaching sorts of environs, where the clothing creates a lump in my throat all day, and I go on. In one venue I am in the closet. In others, private sessions and the like, I face constant confusion about my presentation in ‘workable’ clothes, versus my identity.

Expression. Behavior. Identity.

I found myself later in the evening, after the morning of formal wear searching, in the rare company of proportionally more transgender identified people that not. It felt like slipping into a healing bath the exact temperature of me.

With a brave gender journeyer I know out there teetering between life and death, and new parents at the school questioning what I am…

With the need for more supported dialog in how to discuss gender with young people…

I could share the next two positive tidbits out of my hunger to turn attention towards what is positive… However, I actually notice the positive anecdotes because they do stick out against a background of more constant familiar soft spoken struggle.

1) I have recently been privy to benefits of having an ally, the likes of which I have not yet experienced in this life! This person may not even know, but a topic was too hot for me to address skillfully, and I did not need to. This ally and the other party have no way of knowing why or how the topic was personally triggering for me… No need to go all into that territory. I just hung back. And that space was worthy, as this ally addressed the topic with grace and brilliant sanity.

2) The friend who helped me figure out how to dress up nicely and feel comfortable offered such tremendous generosity and kindness. I don’t know if this person knows how their simply being willing to walk in my parade of embarrassment with me was the greatest kindness (even though we share many many of the same dynamic tensions around the very issue).

bowing in/with gratitude, compassion, a broken-open heart…

to everything and no-thing

~elliott

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