restorative depression

really?

yeah.

(…listen…)

…as opposed to comprehensible grief, the likes of which are expressed and commented upon here, from slaying compassion to killing cruelty by an incredible array of homo sapiens.

…and distinct from existential depression, of which i am known to identify with. (do catch the hilarity in that conundrum.)

i haven’t felt this particular low since the knitting together of a happening in august 2009, and a happening in summer 2010. i’ve had a nice long break from the amorphous sort of depression that was my dependable life partner for so so long. hmmm. i feel a distinction in me between being suicidal and depressed. these are different beasts that love to play together.

and yes, it is that time of year… i acknowledge that and swat my hand at those immaterial cobwebs of appearance and thought that have us lump such experience in the wintry mix of expected sadness. the flavors of deep depression are discernible from grief and sadness’s marked correlations. a question for any experience thus is:

where does the i perceive itself to be – in the center or periphery of the whirls of energy/emotion/happenings?

it can be healing to step out of the center of it all – enough to see the energies, thoughts, happenings, characters, responses, reactions, sensations, emotions, etc that are taking turns in the center of the mandala and dancing through the middle territories and peripheries too.

bowing to the blending of some pungent influential flavors:

…as the

anticipation and expectations

of these

lengthening nights

and

holy days

arrive upon our breaths and hearts  and minds,

i hope that the discord

and

rarer moments

of confluence

between what is

whirling around you –

with family, friends, lights, smell-tastes, songs, celebrations,

and what is

whirling within you –

physically and emotionally and spiritually

are

honored with ample time-space.

i’ve been wanting to post about endings and emptiness as a restorative sort of depression. this seed thought is righting itself after an odd encounter over 5 years ago. my need for ‘time-off’ was questioned, as such doesn’t exist in the contemplative life. this person was wanting me to do physically, mentally and psychologically demanding service outside the hours of service i was in agreement to perform. i did not have the understanding then that the prajnas represent a full spectrum of experiencing life and energy – that do not always look like ‘active doing.’ wei-wu-wei, anyone? 😉

i process emotions slowly.

my e-motions birth and die as quick as any. my mind and awareness practices/processes just aren’t quite in sync. ‘i’ haven’t caught up… breathing breathing…

i schedule the external appearance of my life with ample time-space between happenings, to-doings… my chronically early ways of arriving places have always been about sussing out the environment and energy, the sentients and quality of sensations i am offered to work [be] with.  i understand better now that some part of me has always been honoring the distinct processes of the 3 prajnas:

hearing

contemplating

and

meditating.

there really is no such thing as ‘time-off.’

this i ‘get’ quite plainly in my ever deepening practice of contemplative wei-wu-ways. staring at the wall is an incredible system of integration (the 2nd prajna of contemplation) and even meditation (3rd prajna) at times.

i offer you here, a practice in hearing – the 1st prajna. turns out, old school repetition is not repetition at all. this re-read through will land on different ears, for moments have just passed. your mindheartbody is already changed (by my letter-words collected…? your inner-workings with…?). hearing is the hardest of the prajnas for most of us:

…as the

anticipation and expectations

of these

lengthening nights

and

holy days

arrive upon our breaths and hearts  and minds,

i hope that the discord

and

rarer moments

of confluence

between what is

whirling around you –

with family, friends, lights, smell-tastes, songs, celebrations,

and what is

whirling within you –

physically and emotionally and spiritually

are

honored with ample time-space.

~ conscious breath, wellness, safety, warmth, peacefulness, loving-kindness and contentment to you ~

touching my forehead to the earth for you,

me,

the unseen

gone-befores

and

becoming-ones,

elliott

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