unutterable – family –





-of origin



friends and…



I always wagered


despite the many people I have known and loved that have died

and a couple of particular




my experience as a living being –

those beings who transformed, who I still think about –um– daily…

I always figured there was something I could not yet experientially know about losing a nuclear family member.

In some respects I was correct.

My siblings and parents had been still all alive alove.

Inching towards 40, as my siblings have each created nuclear families of their own,

it is odd that I still count them as my immediate family.

My birth-parents have lost all parents and one- a sibling- leaving this parent the only living from their ‘nuclear’ family.

Last week a parent passed away.

My siblings’ children experience this as the loss of a grandparent figure

…an extended family member.

I truly experienced my role as a single queer extended family member among my blood family this week.



As simple as a family funeral might seem:

be nice


be there

…this is anything but simple.



“This is complicated.”

That’s been my mantra for the past 10 days.



And per my gen x oh-so-Americana status,

I have 3 more parents to eventually mourn?

(If I last so long.)



…besides getting into what a loss feels smells looks sounds like,

and wonderings of others,

I only gained step parents as a young adult,

it is the loss of my mom’s husband.

She’s alone just the same.



To quote one of my sibling’s mantras of the past week:

“This sucks.”



So much is moving through me that is utterly inappropriate to utter…

I can tell you that this man was a part of my family’s extended/chosen family variety from before I was born.

He taught me, as a young’n, how to make my own sandwich and how to appreciate wildlife – two rather wonderful earthly things…


2 Responses to “unutterable – family –”

  1. melanie Says:

  2. melanie Says:

    (That’s a heart … though it wasn’t meant to be so broken … darned Universe.)

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